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Cyote Williams April 14, 2021

If you’re above the age of 21 like I am then you’ve probably experienced a hangover. Whether you had a great night of drinking (responsibly of course) or a terrible night (again, responsibly), they both have the same chance of ending up the same wayーhungover. I’m going to go through the entire hangover experience, not quite to the lengths the guys in The Hangover had to deal with, but how they feel, how people fix them and their role in pop culture.

One thing I would like to stress most importantly before we go any further is how important drinking safely AND responsibly is. Know your limits, know the people you’re drinking with and most importantly do not drink and drive.

Luckily for you all, I’m an expert in hangovers. Not necessarily curing them but certainly in causing them. What can I say, I like to have a good time and sometimes that leads to a few too many. That feeling of instant regret when you wake up in the morning with a pounding headache, your phone is on 6% with far too many people texting you than normal and all you can think of is ‘my god… who would do this to me?’ You, Cyote, you did this to yourself and now you must deal with the consequences. 

If you are in a situation like the aforementioned Hangover crew then you have a common goal: find Doug. In some cases you might have your own Doug except he’s not on the roof of the Bellagio, he’s just asleep in the bathtub. This is your first step, make sure everyone is accounted for. If you went out with a group or you had people over to your place or someone else’s, get a head count and yes this includes yourself. Make sure all of YOU is present before you go one with your day.

Your next step is your first attempts to calm the storm that’s happening in your head. You have some different options here; my personal advice is get as much water into your system as humanly possible. After a long night of drinking your body is dehydrated and is one of the main reasons you feel this terrible, that and that unholy amount of McDonalds you bought at 2 a.m. Chug that water and get some ibuprofen down while you’re at it. This is going to rehydrate your body and slow down that headache. Most importantly here, do NOT wait. Get ahead of the curve here because if you let that hangover sit for too long it will take over your entire day with no remorse. 

Other options include “rallying” which is really just code for more drinking. The age old saying albeit not the healthiest or safest “can’t get hungover if you’re still drunk.” I do not recommend this one, but it is something I’ve done in the past with a mixed bag of results. Do with that information with what you will. The elegant version of this option is brunch and bottomless mimosas. If you’re lucky enough to have a place that does both brunch and mimosas this is a hangover cure that isn’t exactly easy on the wallet but is a fun way of attempting to cure your hangover. Order some french toast, maybe some breakfast potatoes, heck maybe even a fruit bowl if you’re feeling fancy. However don’t go too overboard with the mimosas or you might end up right back where you started. 

Some of your favorite TV shows have had their own hangover cures. My favorite, from my favorite show How I Met Your Mother has a hangover cure thanks to Barney Stinson. The “Stinson hangover fixer elixir”. It would cure every single one of the characters hangovers with a 100 percent success rate. Consisting of tantrum (a pop that existed only in the show), grease, bananas, ginger, Funyuns, and a secret ingredient which Barney never revealed to anyone. The secret ingredient was later revealed to be nothing at all. Sometimes a placebo, and the power of your own mind knowing you have the ability to get through your hangover is all you need. 

Food is another important and unforgettable step in this process and from everything I have found in my research there are lots of different ways you can go about this. You can do what I do and let yourself go, find the greasiest fast food you can find and allow yourself to indulge. Or you can take the healthy route. Fruits, veggies, things that will get nutrients back into your body. The most important out of all of these is carbs. Bread, crackers, pasta. Stuff that is going to soak up the remaining alcohol in your system and eventually flush it out. Pun intended. 

The fact of the matter is even with all the cures out there, there is one sure fire way that is guaranteed to stop a hangover. Not drinking. End of story, no alcohol, no hangover. No need for the fancy cures, the expensive brunch or even Stinson’s hangover fixer elixir. You can avoid all of it entirely.

But where’s the fun in that?

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